You’ve Got to be Kidding Me!

Me at a hefty 278 lbs

I got so mad at myself the other day.  I felt overloaded with sugar, bloated by salt and on top of that I looked in the mirror at my underwear clad body and thought, “You’ve got to be kidding me!”  How in the world can a person lose 22 lbs and still look fat?  It was then I knew that I had to lose the next decade of poundage.  I’ve said goodbye to the 70’s.  I’ve said goodbye to the 60’s.  Now it’s time to say goodbye to the 50’s. 

I think sometimes you just have to get sick of yourself before you can move on.  Well, here I am sick of myself.  Granted, my clothes fit better and I do have more energy, but come on!  I’ve lost 22 lbs and I’m still the same size!  I’m sick of it! I want to go down a size for pete’s sake. 

You know what else I’m sick of?  I’m sick to death that it takes an act of congress to sit in a booth or a school chair!  I want to sit comfortably in one of those.  And I mean WITHOUT my stomach roll resting on top.  How about theater seats, airplane seats where the safety belt barely fastens, or in a lawn chair without worrying about breakage?  Being fat is just downright embarrassing.  Most of the time I’m pretty confident, but then I see a picture of myself and I think again, “You’ve got to be kidding me!”  Enough of this rant.  When I look in the mirror in a few months and think, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”  I want it to mean something wholly different, and I want to be down at least one dress size.  Goodbye to the 50’s!

Me now 22 lbs lighter

 

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Off the wagon

Ok, ok, I fell off the wagon. I should never have made that “Not Yo Momma’s Banana Pudding”. It sent my head reeling! I said I made it for the family, but I think I ate half of it myself. The next day wasn’t much better. I had some gummy worms, a small cupcake, some oreos. Do you see how this works? Like any addiction, once you give in, you spiral down the rabbit hole again. I’ve been spending the past two days clawing my way back to the surface.

It makes me so upset because I was beginning to lose weight again. I had lost 17 lbs and you know how you can feel yourself moving off that plateau? Well, I was ready to dive off the edge. Arghhh! Why do I do this to myself. I think sometimes my weight is a protection. I can blame it for almost anything and then I don’t have to be responsible. It keeps people at a distance so that I don’t have to interact as much and I can feel content in my own ideas and thoughts. It’s really pretty selfish when you think about it. It’s not considering the feelings of others. It’s pulling yourself totally inward and keeping yourself separate. In some ways I suppose this creates an air of superiority–I know who I am and they don’t. But, I think it’s an even greater source of frustration. Let’s face it. People DO care what you look like. They care if your teeth are brushed. They care if you wear deoderant. They care if you have your hair styled nicely. People care even if you don’t.

I plan to spend the summer trying to get my physical life back into control. I think I’ve got this sugar thing licked, but that’s only a small part of what I need to work on. Hey, I tackled sugar and won. Here’s to my next conquest! More info to follow. 🙂

Days of Whine and Stuffed Noses

Well, like my title says, I’m full of whine this week.  Things are just in disarray in my life.  My dogs are out of control.  (I pick up poop on a daily basis).  My husband is gone a lot.  My laundry isn’t done.  I’m a mess!  Everywhere I look I feel like I’m out of control.  I do have this whole sugarless thing, and that is one thing I DO have in control, but today it feels like the only thing.  I’m sure I could think of much more to whine about, but I’ll spare you the tragedy of it all.

Onto stuffed noses.  I’m rarely sick, but lately I’ve been waking up to a stuffed nose which keeps me sneezing all day long.  Ok, this is kind of a whine too, but only a small one.  For the most part I feel pretty good.  Have a good day and try to have a little cheese with that whine.

Bone Tired

Have you ever felt tired to the bone?  That’s how I feel today.  Tired of eating all the right things.  Tired of my job (I actually love my job, but some weeks are like that.).  Tired of trying to do my best while at the same time knowing it’s not quite good enough.  I know, I know, I’m having a pity party.  It’s one of those days when you want to go home, lay on the bed and just let your mind spin away to another world.  Sometimes a good cry helps with that too, but I’m too tired for that.  It’s in these times when  you want to throw up your hands and just say, “Who really cares?  I’m going to do whatever I want to do.”  That’s what my body tells me, “Go ahead.  Do what you want to do.”  Even when I’m tired I know this is a lie.  We weren’t made to do whatever we want to do, but sometimes I give into it anyway pretending I don’t know any better.  Not today.  Today I will choose health.  I will choose what is best instead of what I want.  Not  because I have some lofty goal.  Not because something might happen to me if I don’t.  It’s because, if I really want change in my life, if I really want to be something different, what I want has to take a back seat to what is right.  Ok, so I’m tired.  So I feel defeated.  So I don’t get to do everything I want to do.  Choosing what is right is the catalyst I need for change.  But let me think about that after a nice, long nap.  ZZZZZZZZZ

Stability

You know, sometimes you have to learn to love stability.  When we’re first in love and our feelings are soaring, stability is far in the distance and we are in the moment.  When you are on a diet or doing a lifestyle change and the weight starts pouring off, feelings are at a peak and stability is just the smell of bread baking in the air.  At first when stability comes to our lives we shun it.  We want to be in the moment, enjoying every breath, every lost ounce, but stability is what makes life worth living.  Stability is the quiet smile of your husband as he glances over at you when you’re watching TV–reassurance of his love for you and the warm memory of that first love.  Stability is your body adjusting to your new lifestyle, feeling comfortable with the new foods you are eating and the exercise that no longer pains you in the same way as in the early days of your transformation.  We are such a people of pleasure, of highs and lows.  We must remember that it is in stability that resides peace, acceptance, and a deeper love than first love.  It is a knowing love.  Stability knows that commitment has come to dwell.  Stability allows us to make plans and follow through.  So when you think about the thrill of those first few pounds falling away, don’t forget that it is in stability that your spirit is most content.  So, reach for those stars.  Enjoy the moment, but remember to come back to stability, that knowing, committed understanding of love fulfilled.

Emotions

Did you ever notice that when emotions run high, your bad habits increase?  When I’m upset, I eat the wrong things, I swear more, I rant, I rave, I storm.  So I’ve been thinking about channeling this energy in a different way.  I can storm by walking around the block.  I can rant and rave while I punch the air or do a dance video.  I can decrease my bad habits by adding new good habits and changing my thinking.  Instead of thinking, “That upsets me, where’s the chocolate?”  I will start thinking, “That upsets me, I need to walk it off and cool down.”  Once you feel that pressure rising, use that as a sign to change your thinking.  The person I am is changing into the person I am becoming.  And, who’s in charge of that?  ME!!!  I choose to become a more positive, productive, vibrant person, because I CAN.